Can't Sleep
Sunday, August 2, 2009
well it is pretty late but it is one of those nights where i cant sleep ive been thinking of my baby boy jayden people tell me i will have another son but no one understands that jayden was jayden my baby boy suffered and it hurts me that all i could do was sit there and watch i could tell sometimes when i would visit him that he knew i was there by his side because he tried to open his eyes i hate to think that the time he did open his eyes were his last time he would open them eyes they were so beautiful and innocent i love my son so much and i will never forget him he is my first son and i cant say my last god has to decide whether he will bless me again with another son but i will not mind another daughter all i want is a healthy baby girl or boy if i dont get another chance i still have my son jayden and my two daughters which i love so much

Thinking About Jayden
Thursday, July 9, 2009







WELL TODAY I THOUGHT ABOUT MY SON WELL ACTUALLY I ALWAYS THINK OF HIM BUT I WENT TO PICK UP OUR BLACK AND WHITE PICTURES AND IN THE PICTURE MY BABY LOOKS SO PEACEFUL WITHOUT THOSE DUMB TUBES. I WILL NEVER FORGET MY SON I WILL TRY TO MOVE FORWARD BUT ITS GOIN TO BE REALLY HARD BECAUSE I CARRIED HIM IN MY UTERO AND WAS HOSPITALIZED FOR 7 WEEKS AND HE FINALLY CAME OUT AND WAS TAKEN 9 DAYS LATER EVEN THO HIS EYES WERE CLOSED BECAUSE HE WAS ON MEDICATION HE STILL WOULD HEAR MY VOICE AND WOULD HOLD MY PINKY TIGHT I WOULD TALK TO HIM SO HE COULD KNOW I WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME WITH HIM HE WOULD SMILE AND SOMETIMES CRY BUT WE COULDNT HEAR HIM CRY CAUSE OF THE TUBES BUT HIS EXPRESSIONS ON HIS FACE I KNEW WHEN HE WOULD TRY TO CRY ONLY IF YOU KNEW JAYDEN HOW MUCH MOMMY MISSES YOU AND THINKS OF YOU LATE AT NIGHT YOU ARE NOW OUR GUARDIAN ANGEL I TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO CRY BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO REST AND I NEED TO BE STRONG FOR MY GIRLS I AM READY TO GO BACK TO WORK BUT NOT EMOTIONALLY READY I KNOW ONE DAY WE WILL ALL BE WITH HIM AGAIN BUT FOR NOW WE ARENT SO ITS HARD TO DEAL WITH THIS SOMETIMES IM OK BUT THEN I STOP AND THINK BECAUSE I HAVE HIS PLAYPIN HIS STROLLER AND CARSEAT AND ALL HIS CLOTHES WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM THIS IS YOUR FAMILY IS EVERYTHING TO YOU ALWAYS BE A FAMILY BECAUSE ONE DAY WE ARE HERE ON THIS EARTH AND ONE DAY WE ARE NOT

JACINTO JAYDEN CANALES JR.

HI IM ISELA I AM A MOTHER OF 2 GIRLS 1 STEPDAUGHTER AND 1 SON AFTER HAVING MY DAUGHTERS OF COURSE I WANTED A SON SO AFTER 11 YEARS JESUS GAVE ME THAT OPPURTUNITY I GOT PREGNANT MY DUE DATE WAS SUPPOST TO BE ON JULY 12,09 BUT ON THURSDAY APRIL 9,09 MY WATER BROKE OR SHALL I SAY LEAKED SO I WAS RUSHED TO THE SAN MARCOS TX HOSPITAL WHERE I LIVE THEN THE SCARIEST THING I HAD TO HEAR WAS THE DR. TELL ME I MIGHT HAVE MY SON AND THAT THERE WAS AN 80% CHANCE OF SURVIVAL FOR HIM SO I CRIED ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS NO I CANT HAVE MY SON JUST YET THEN DR. COMES BACK TO SAY WE HAVE TO FLY U TO AUSTIN AT ST DAVID'S HOSPTIAL I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT I WAS SO AFRAID MY GIRLS AND MY HUSBAND WERE WATCHING ME AS THE HELICOPTER FLEW AWAY I GET THERE TO AUSTIN WHEN LATER I START HAVING CONTRACTIONS BUT THEY WERE STOPPED AND I WAS GIVEN STEROIDS FOR MY SONS LUNGS JUST IN CASE HE WOULD COME EARLY 7 WEEKS PAST AND ON MAY 25,09 ON MEMORIAL DAY MY SON IS BORN AT 11:45AM IT WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE TO HEAR HIM CRY I THOUGHT TO MYSELF HE SOUNDS GOOD THE FIRST THING EVERYONES WORRIED ABOUT IS PREMATURE BABIES BECAUSE THEIR LUNGS ARE NOT FULLY DEVLOPED BUT THAT CRY TOLD ME HE WAS OKAY BUT, I WAS WRONG RIGHT AWAY HE NEEDED OXYGEN TO HELP HIM 2 DAYS GO BY AND I HAVENT YET SEEN HIM SINCE BIRTH DR. CALLS ME TO MY ROOM I REMEMBER ROOM 324 ON 3RD FLOOR TO TELL ME YOUR SON HAS AIR IN HIS LUNGS I START CRYING THEN MY HUSBAND TAKES ME TO SEE HIM BUT HE HAS TUBES CONNECTED TO HIM IT BROKE MY HEART THEN DOCTOR TELLS US HE HAS TO DO AN ULTRASOUND BECAUSE HE HASNT URINATED SO THEY WANT TO SEE WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS KIDNEYS IM THINKING THIS CANT BE HAPPENING TO US RESULTS COME IN AND SOMEHOW HIS KIDNEYS GOT DAMAGED AND THAT THEY MAY NOT RECOVER AND HE COULD HAVE KIDNEY FAILURE BUT NOT ONCE DID LOSE FAITH AND HOPE FOR HIM EVERYDAY WE HEARD BAD NEWS AND A LIL GOOD NEWS ON THE 7TH DAY HE STARTS URINATING NOT AS MUCH AS HE SHOULD BUT TO US ITS ALOT BECAUSE HE HADNT URINATED SINCE BIRTH AND EVERYDAY WE WENT TO VISIT HIM SO WHEN WE WENT AND SAW THAT TUBE WITH URINE IN IT WE WOULD GET SO HAPPY DESPITE THE BAD NEWS ALONG WITH IT ON THE 8TH DAY HE STARTS URINATING EVEN MORE STILL FOR HIM THE DR'S WOULD SAY IT WASNT ENOUGH I WILL NEVER FORGET THE ONE DOCTOR THAT SHOULDNT EVEN HAVE HER LICENSE IT WAS DR. LYNN SHE WAS THE RUDEST DOCTOR OUT OF THE 9 DAYS MY SON WAS IN THE HOSPITAL SHE CALLED US FOR A MEETING SHE ASKED US TO UNPLUG MY SONS MACHINE MEANING TO LET HIM DIE BUT WE SAID NO GIVE HIM TIME TO URINATE SHE HAD NO HOPE FOR HIM AND TOLD US WITHIN THE NEXT 2 DAYS HE'S GOING TO DIE OUR HEARTS WERE IN SO MUCH PAIN BUT WE DIDNT LET HER TALK US INTO IT SO WE LEFT HIM ON THE MACHINE AND TOLD HER TO KEEP GIVING HIM THE HELP HE NEEDED ON THAT 7TH DAY WE WENT TO VISIT HIM AND AS DR. LYNN CAME WALKING TOWARDS US EVERY TIME THIS DR CAME TO US SHE NEVER HAD GOOD NEWS SHE TOLD US THE SAME ABOUT OUR SON JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE WE WERE THERE ANOTHER DR TOLD ME THEY WERE GOING TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER ULTRASOUND BECAUSE HE WAS URINATING SO WHEN DR LYNN CAME TO US I ASKED HER WHEN IS THE ULTRASOUND BEING DONE AND SHE LOOKS AT US AND TELLS US OH NO THERE IS NO ULTRASOUND BEING DONE THERE IS NO USE FOR THAT YOUR SON'S KIDNEYS ARENT GOING TO CHANGE THEY ARE DAMAGED SO MY SISTER N LAW COMES IN AND TELLS HER WE WANT THAT ULTRASOUND DONE AND THE DR ARGUES AND TELLS US THERE IS NO USE SHE WAS SO NEGATIVE AND I FINALLY GOT REALLY UPSET AND I TELL HER OH I WANT THAT ULTRASOUND I'M NOT ASKING U I'M TELLING U I WANT THAT ULTRASOUND DONE AND SHE LOOKS AT THE NURSE AND TELLS HER RUDELY ORDER THE ULTRASOUND I DONT KNOW WHAT ITS GOING TO DO FOR THEM AND WALKS AWAY 8TH DAY I GO TO VISIT MY SON AND DEMAND HIS DR CHANGED SO HIS DOCTOR IS CHANGED LATER I CALL TO SEE HOW HE IS DOING AND FINALLY GOOD NEWS OUR SON STARTS URINATING ALOT MORE EVERY DAY I WOULD VISIT HIM AND EVERYDAY I WOULD CALL HIS NURSE TO SEE HOW OUR SON WAS DOING ON THE 9TH DAY I CALL AT 7:00AM AND IM TOLD HE'S FILLING UP THAT TUBE WITH URINE SO I CALL THE FAMILY TO TELL THEM I WAS SO HAPPY THEN @ 9:00AM WE GET A PHONE CALL THAT OUR SON HAS INTERNAL BLEEDING AND THAT HE IS GOING TO PASS AWAY WE RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL WHEN WE GET THERE OUR SON OPENS HIS EYES AND LOOKS AT MY HUSBAND THEN HE LOOKS AT ME IN THOSE BEAUTIFUL EYES TO ME I SAW HIM TELLING ME MOM I'M TIRED LET ME GO I START CRYING AND THEN DR TELLS US TO LET HIM GO OR WAIT TILL HE PASSES AWAY THATS A CHOICE NO PARENT WANTS TO MAKE WE TAKE TOO LONG AND EVERY 5 MINUTES HE STARTS GETTING WORSE FINALLY THE DR SAYS IM SORRY BUT I HAVE TO MAKE THE CHOICE FOR U AND MY CHOICE IS TO LET HIM GO AND YALL CAN CARRY HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME SO THEY UNPLUG EVERY THING AND GIVE MY SON TO US BUT IN ALL THIS OUR SON IS STILL ALIVE BUT PASSING AWAY SLOWLY IN OUR ARMS I HOLD HIM AND CRY AND I GIVE HIM TO MY HUSBAND IN MY MIND IM THINKING HOW MUCH WE WANT HIM TO LIVE AND GO HOME AND HOW MUCH WE HAD ALREADY BOUGHT HIM EVERYTHING OUR DAUGHTERS (HIS SISTERS) NEVER GOT TO SEE HIM SINCE BIRTH CAN U IMAGINE HOW THEY FELT THEY WANTED A BROTHER SO MUCH MY HUSBAND IS HOLDING HIM WHEN HE PASSES AWAY WE BREAK DOWN IN TEARS OUR HEARTS ARE ACHING WITH SO MUCH PAIN AND WE CANT BELIEVE THAT OUR SON HAS JUST PASSED AWAY NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO TELL OUR GIRLS THAT HE ISNT EVER COMING HOME ALL I CAN SAY IS JESUS GAVE US A SON EVEN THOUGH HE TOOK HIM ATLEAST WE HAD A SON FOR 9 PRECIOUS DAYS AND THE WHOLE TIME WE HAD FAITH AND HOPE FOR HIM AND TILL THIS DAY I HAVENT QUESTION JESUS WE WILL NEVER FORGET OUR SON JACINTO JAYDEN CANALES JR. AND WE WOULD NOT FORGET HOW MUCH HE FOUGHT FOR THOSE 9 DAYS